A message for the President-elect

I know how to jump-start the global economy.

It’s quite simple:

In every airport I’ve visited since September 11, 2001 (about 9 or 10 different airports), the security screening procedures are completely different.

In Chicago, you have to take off your shoes, have all of your liquids and gels (no more than 3 ounces, of course), in a 1-quart Ziploc bag, and remove your laptop from its case. In other airports, you may or may not have to do any of these things, in any combination. This is ridiculous. What good is it to make sure a terrorist isn’t smuggling a bomb on board the plane I take from Chicago to Madrid, but when flying the return route, they don’t check any of those things? Obviously, it’s just as I’ve suspected all along: the government has no idea how to protect us from another terrorist attack, and all of these procedures are just a smoke screen to pacify us and keep us from rioting or overthrowing the government or attacking innocent dark-skinned people, or, G-d forbid, not flying.

This reminds me of a picture I saw at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Entitled “The Perfect Traveler,” it was a drawing of a naked man carrying a Ziploc bag.

And recalling that this morning, I had a brainstorm:

Under a new, global policy, you have to fly completely naked. And you can’t take anything with you. No carry-ons. No checked luggage. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. No luggage, no reading material, no snacks, not even a Ziploc bag. Snacks and newspapers, even reading glasses if you need them, would be given to you on the plane; the cost would be built into the price of your ticket. The flight attendant would collect your credit card and passport at the gate and return them to you when you get off the plane (so don’t even think about using the old Exploding Passport trick.) Since you can’t bring any cash, you’d have to get money from an ATM when you get there.

And, of course, buy clothes.

And here’s where the global economy comes in: imagine millions of travelers, every day, buying clothes and shoes and coats and toothbrushes and deodorant, in cities all over the world. We’d need hundreds of new businesses, thousands of new factories, millions of new workers. Economies all over the world would rapidly grow.

I really think this could work.

The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is what to do with all the clothing travelers are leaving behind in cities around the world. Flea markets, perhaps? Or clothing the poor and the homeless?

But I’ll let our new President worry about the details. I’ve already done all the hard work.